Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Thoughts and afterthoughts on my first paintball experience

Thoughts...

From what I've heard about paintball, there's a lot of running and ducking but is the 20-minute stretch routine being performed by woMEN R Us really necessary? These chicks (if they're deserving of that title) were even running laps around the paintball area. If I learned anything in gym in elementary school, I've learned the following about the obese: 1) they're always the last ones to finish the required two laps around the field AND they always come in dragging their feet, huffing and puffing 2) they're always the first ones out in dodgeball 3) they're always the first ones caught in tag and 4) they're always the first ones found in hide-n-seek. With that being said, we noticed a rather chunky female figure stretching with the rest of the Wal-Mart/Waffle House regulars, and if the past is any indication of the future, I KNOW she can't be much of help to her team. Not to my surprise, she was later being walked off the field.


Why did I pay $50 to obtain welts on my body? I couldn't help but think how I used to run from my mom (with belt, cord, jump rope, broom, shoe, etc. in hand) to avoid welts, yet here I was running for the flag, in the middle of the course, while being the main target of seven more than eager old farts. I guess all those whoopings paid off after all seeing that they helped me develop a tolerance for that stinging sensation that comes with being whipped or in this case, whacked by a paintball. Granted, the pain of a paintball doesn't even compare to being spanked by a somewhat angry mother who just had to chase you around the house for five minutes.

The hierarchy of paintballin':

Rec Ballers - Play every once in a while and just want to pop their friends with some fast-moving paint.

Amateurs - Own their gear, look down on the Rec Ballers, disrupt the Rec Ballers' games and are of no use whatsoever in the "President" game! And no, we didn't have any Amateurs on our team. Pros - Exhibit A: woMen R Us. Not only do they own their gear, but it's paid for by sponsors. They also have some hard nosed coaches. At one point, I could hear their coach yelling out instructions like a drill sergeant. Let's see if I get this straight (no pun intended), these particular woMEN probably don't like men, yet they act like men and to top it all off, they are taking orders from a man. Completely off the subject, but it is my blog.

Afterthoughts...

Shane counted 52 welts on his body. I'm sure at least half of those came from the last game when he went Rambo and tried to take on everyone by himself. Getting shot for a cause is one thing (i.e. going for the flag), but to go out and purposely get shot for no reason is just plain smart. He wasn't alone for long as Knotter proceeded to join him. What I want to know is where was this go-all-out spirit in Knotter earlier in the day when our team could've used a little support in trying to capture the flag? Of course, I took my liberty in making sure that each of them were amply covered in paint.

I did learn a few things from my paintball experience. The same people who play paintball on a regular basis are also the same people who are hardcore indoor go-cart participants. This is the one "sport" in which being short actually has it's advantages. Don't mess with woMEN who play paintball professionally. Don't ever play the "President" game again. And stretch, stretch, stretch because it pays dividends (just ask the oversized marshmallow girl).

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Regarding Amateurs: I think there has to be an age limit on them. I'm thinking from 8 to 14 years old, be cocky off the field, then hide like girls and scream out commands from behind bunkers like "watch my left side!... Are you watching my left side?!" and use the paintball field as a glorified daycare while sporting last year's dirt bike gear. Other than that they make great targets.

11:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your thoughts and afterthoughts were right on target (pun intended). I must say that paintball isn't really worth a Ulysses Simpson Grant (side note: I can't believe I had to google to see who was on the $50...hmm, must mean that I don't get to see those too often). I mean, for fifty bucks I could get like 50 Arbies Sangwiches. Sheesh...I'm hungry.

9:49 AM  

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